


A Little Hollow

by Wearysea



Category: Cartoon Therapy (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Crofter's Organic Spread (Sanders Sides), Depression, Eating Disorders, Everyone Is Gay, Filipino Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Deceit Sanders, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Human Sides (Sanders Sides), Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Intrusive Thoughts, Logan Needs A Hug, Logic | Logan Sanders-centric, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Sweetheart, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Sleep | Remy Sanders, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Set in 2019 or 2020 ish, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Trans Male Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Underage Rape/Non-con, set in Britain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2020-12-28 07:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 19,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21132827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wearysea/pseuds/Wearysea
Summary: Logan is spending lunch in the library. Logan always spends lunch in the library. One good thing about college, Logan thinks, is that no one notices that he always spends lunch in the library and tries to ask him awkward questions.





	1. Friendship Starts With Labradors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This fic is going to be pretty dark in parts (eventually), as you can see from the many, many tags, so look after yourselves, Dear Readers.

Logan is spending lunch in the library. Logan always spends lunch in the library. One good thing about college, Logan thinks, is that no one notices that he always spends lunch in the library and tries to ask him awkward questions, because there are always students in the library at lunch. Logan does not stand out. **They all think you’re a freak. **

He has a favourite spot in the library he likes to sit at every day, during lunch and all of his free periods. It’s near the front entrance and it’s one of the two fancy tables that has charging ports, both regular sockets for laptops and USB ports for phones. Logan never uses the colleges computers, the main reason being they had terrible keyboards, most of which had broken space bars and always used his own laptop instead.

Logan places his things in the same place every day, his laptop slightly to his left, his notebook slightly to his right, his phone to the right of his notebook – placed adjacent to the eighth and twenty-third spiral and his pens organised neatly in the hard plastic case. **You fucking psycho.** It keeps them all neat and in order.

He does all his work the day he gets it and he does it well. It is necessary he does it well. **It’s the only thing you’ll ever be good at, and even then, you’re far from perfect. **Logan hasn’t missed a deadline since he was 11 years old, he’s ridiculously proud of that fact.

Teacher’s like him, he keeps his head down and works. **You’re not good enough. **He’s quiet in class, trying his best not to draw attention to himself, he asks the teacher plenty of questions but avoids socialising with his peers. **You don’t deserve to have friends. **He prefers to focus on his work. He socialises enough with Dot and Larry at home. It is fine that he has no friends his own age, no matter how much Dot might try to encourage him in that direction. **Liar.**

Other pupils sit next to him often, they wish to use the table, naturally. **They wouldn’t be anywhere near you if they had a choice. **And today two boys are stationed to his left, the closest boy is short, with curly blond hair and countless freckles painting his cheeks, Logan thinks he has the same glasses frames as him and he has not. Stopped. Smiling. Logan doesn’t know how that’s his default facial expression, doesn’t he get tired? **He deserves to be happy, unlike you.** The boy sitting next to Smiley-Freckles is taller, chestnut brown hair and is less smiley but more rambunctious. He’s been chatting to Smiley-Freckles non-stop and even though, to their credit, they have been talking quietly, it grates on Logan’s ears.

Not for the first time, Logan wishes he could listen to music while he worked but he only did that during his spare time **You only do it when you’re blubbering in bed like a baby wanting his Mommy to come calm him down **and he knew he could focus regardless, so long as he didn’t let himself get unreasonably irritated.

They reach the end of lunch and get half an hour into the next free period and the boys have reached a lull in their conversation, Chatter had put headphones on and was typing furiously, Smiley-Freckles was smiling at his laptop screen. Soon enough, the boy turned to Logan and asked him a question.

“Do you want to see pictures of my dog?”

“… Alright?” Not particularly but Logan _is_ trying to be more approachable, he promised Dot. Suddenly he’s being shown a slide show on his neighbour’s laptop screen, the topic being a rather fluffy, pink-nosed Golden Labrador with her litter of puppies, as well as individual pictures of the puppies along with information about the breed and lineage. The Labrador is named Sunshine.

“My parents are selling most of the puppies,” Smiley-Freckles helpfully explains “and my Mum asked me to make a slideshow to put online to advertise it. She’d do it herself but she knows I have way more pictures and she's too busy to do it right now with all the other dogs she's looking after.”

Logan still has no idea why this person is talking to him, however he doesn’t really have an excuse to be rude and, he reminds himself again, he promised Dot. He doesn’t want to let her down **You do that just by existing** even if she’ll never find out about it.

He isn’t really sure what response the boy expects to hear after sharing that information **You’ll never connect with anyone, you don’t have the skills for it **so Logan just nods instead and returns his gaze to the screen to see more of the PowerPoint. **You’re so fucking awkward.**

“…You’re very… knowledgeable. About Labradors.” **That was even worse. No wonder you’ve never had a friend. **

“Thanks! They’re my favourite type of dog, my Mum’s a dog breeder and she specialises in them.” Smiley-Freckles doesn’t seem to notice that he’s awkward. Good. This conversation will be relatively painless, then. **It will end once he realises how awful you are. **

“Working with dogs must be a pretty fun job,” Logan wracks his brain to think of a question, they keep conversations going, he’ll finally have something to say when Dot asks him if he’s talked to someone if he succeeds. **You’re terrible.** “Does that mean you get to play with dogs a lot?”

“Yes! I love seeing their little butts wiggle when they’re happy, it’s the best!” Smiley-Freckles responds enthusiastically, too enthusiastically, but the librarian isn’t at her desk, so no one tells Smiley-Freckles to be quiet. He drops his volume anyway. “Do you have a dog?”

“I used to, her name was Christie, she was a Samoyed.” Christie was much more Larry’s dog than his, or even Dot’s, but he lived in the same house as her for 3 years, so he thought she counted.

Smiley-Freckles spent a while cooing over Samoyed’s, Labrador’s weren’t the only breed he knew a lot about apparently, Logan had to admit talking to him wasn’t just relatively unpleasant but… enjoyable. It was nice. Even when Chatter took off his headphones and started talking about a drama piece he did in class the previous day to them both, he was actually happy to listen.

Logan spent the entirety of his free period speaking with them. He didn’t realise that he’d done no work until the end and he’d had to go to class. **Failure. **The sunny “See you tomorrow!” he’d received almost made up for it. Almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been wanting to write a Logan centric fic for a while, I love my boy, so naturally I've got to write the ultimate angst fic.
> 
> Edit: Just so everyone knows, when I say college I mean British College, which takes place at around 16-18 years old.


	2. Unaware of Malware

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friendship actually starts with a routine and concern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There is depiction of Self-Harm in this chapter.

Friendship actually starts with a routine and concern. More specifically it starts with an overheard joke in the corridor outside the library, which leads to Patton Hertz noticing a routine and growing concerned.

Exactly one week before the first contact an exchange occurs. Two boys, one Patton recognised distantly from his high school, laughing while exiting the library, and hears the boy he didn’t recognise say “Argall’s a robot! It’s against his programming to be lonely.” followed by the other laughing louder.

Patton does not engage with the boys, he has no need to, they don’t notice him at all. He makes a beeline for the plush green couch-like thing to the right of the front desk. It’s directly next to the outside wall, plastered with windows.

He’s heard the name Argall before, Virgil’s complained about him, they share psychology together and Argall’s essays are often used as an example by the teacher (Sarah? Sally? Sandy? Patton can’t remember), this has rubbed Virgil the wrong way – she likes to make comments about other student’s mistakes during it.

Patton can’t for the life of him remember his first name, so he guesses he’s stuck calling him Argall for now. Virgil will know. He meant to spend lunch looking at his phone but catches himself looking around at the line of computers to his left -specifically at the people -, and then to the two tables with outlets a little way in front of him, wondering who it is. Argall might be in the library right now, causing the previous conversation.

Patton ends up getting a text from Roman about five minutes later, his Drama partner didn’t show up to work on their project in Learning Support, so he’s gone to get lunch and wants to meet up with Patton.

He wasn’t able to stop himself from looking at what the occupants are doing as he left, his curiosity had been piqued, and his gaze fell on a notebook on the table in front of a boy with very dark hair and the same glasses as him! At the very tippy top of the page he saw ‘13th November 2019’ followed by ‘Argall, Logan’.

The subsequent two days go like this: Patton goes to the library in between classes and spots Logan Argall sat in the exact same spot, doing the exact same thing without variation. He speaks to no one, no one speaks to him. Patton worries.

At the end of the second day, Roman, his childhood best friend, invites Patton and Virgil, his other best friend whom they met in high school but is no less important <strike>and his son</strike>, over to his house for video games and pizza, a regular Friday night for them. Patton choses then to express his worries to them.

Roman has never met him, much like Patton they share no classes or social circles. Patton’s pretty sure Logan doesn’t have a social circle all together and the urge to adopt him into theirs rises even higher.

Virgil is thinking about Patton’s concerns, he’s not sure about it but given his track record of adopting outcasts, it wouldn’t do to not take him seriously about things like this.

“I don’t know Patton, he just seemed like he didn’t want to be talked to.” Virgil scrunched his nose, “He just flat out shut down anyone who tried to start a conversation with him. He once told our teacher that he didn’t care for sentiment when asked about his Christmas plans.”

That didn’t mean he didn’t want to have friends, just that he didn’t want to talk in lessons, also: “Remember what Virgil was like before we got close? What if he’s too anxious to talk to people, so he’s standoffish instead? 

Virgil frowns, and guiltily picks at his sleeve, “You think he might be having similar problems to me?” he didn’t like the thought of that, someone struggling with anxiety in the same way, right under his nose.

“Maybe, and if I’m right, we can help! Either way, it’s an opportunity to make a new friend!” He wanted so desperately to turn this into a positive, he truly was a bleeding heart when it came to his friends, whether they were yet or not.

The others generally agree in helping Patton try to befriend the resident machine, simultaneously they were fully prepared to... talk some *sense* into the guy if he upset their funny, sunny friend. Not that they'd tell Patton that. 

Patton worries immensely over the weekend, for the first time in his life he thinks that Monday morning can’t come fast enough. Logan is in lesson first period but he’s free second and so is Patton.

He sees the boys from Wednesday snickering behind Logan, they seem like they’re planning something, but the librarian spots them and ushers them out. They’ve caused trouble before, it seems like she’s keeping an eye out for them at this point. Logan doesn’t respond visibly to any of it, seemingly completely unaware that there could have been a problem. Patton worries about that. Is he used to people messing with him?

Nothing eventful happens the next day and while Patton is still very worried, he's relieved that Logan seems to be okay. He might get emotionally attached very quickly and this may have lead him down the wrong path in the past but he wasn’t going to let that stop him from being nice to people in any way, shape or form!

Patton is ready to get his friendship on.

So, exactly one week after Patton first became aware of Logan Argall, he enacted a plan to trap him into looking at his dogs! No, Roman, it isn’t stupid, it’s fool proof! What do you mean, ‘I’m worse than a fool’?

To avoid making the, what Patton considered to be, shy boy uncomfortable, he and Roman were going to be sat next to him and they were going to talk for a while before Patton initiated contact, and if it went well Roman would join in. They would do most of the talking, as Patton suspected Logan to be more of a listener than a talker. Virgil has a full day on Wednesday’s and they all agreed not to crowd him on the first meeting regardless, introducing them can wait until later.

Fortunately for Patton, Logan had been more open to not being unfriendly after a talk with his worried guardians, although Patton didn’t need to know that.

The aftermath is also something Patton didn’t need to know.

Logan walks home after fourth period with his head full of time lost. When he walks through the door, he’s out of breath and near tears. After taking the time to place his bag in his room, he runs to the upstairs bathroom, stopping only when he crashes into the sink.

Logan takes out a pack of sewing needles in his pocket and carefully placed one on the counter next to the sink. He pulls up his left sleeve and stares at the previous damage before picking the needle back up and scratching into the material.

**LAZY. STUPID. WORTHLESS. IDIOT.**

The words sing on his skin. He pauses for a moment, to steady his breathing, he can’t start crying **You are not allowed to cry **before continuing to scratch at the fabric with the needle.

He presses the wet cloth against the blood-soaked fabric to stop the flow. **Pathetic. **He wants to start on his other arm without it getting too messy. **Disgusting. **Then he’ll move onto other places. Everywhere that isn’t visible is already covered in words anyway.

Logan sees no problem with this.

Once he’s finished with the cloth, he decides to remove his clothing. Dot and Larry are still at work and the door is locked regardless.

Sitting in the bath, taking the needle with him, he turns on the shower head behind him and sighs. He was cold before, but the water has him shivering, he hates cold showers… he always has cold showers. **You don’t deserve to feel good. **Logan continues scratching his truths into his thighs and chest and stomach, neatly and precisely over the previous cuts that cover his body in perfect lines. There aren’t many places for new words anymore.

Logan doesn’t know what he’ll do once he runs out of room.

**Die.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we have some more background on the other three, and Logan continues to have a Bad Time™.


	3. Smiley-Freckles Has A Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Depictions of Internalised Homophobia and Self-Harm in this chapter

Logan doesn’t realise that he never asked Smiley-Freckles what his name was until it was far too late for the question to be socially acceptable. **He’ll think you’re horrible.** This was an issue that needed to be rectified, as he was now spending a decent amount of time with him. Logan knew that Chatter’s name was Roman because he’d used the phrase “The Great Roman Ventris thinks” multiple times by this point but no one had said Smiley-Freckles’ name. **Stupid.**

Logan knew more than one of Smiley-Freckles’ friends now, they’d both introduced him to Virgil Catacutan a few weeks after meeting them, the day he’d been invited over to Roman’s house for the first time. **You’re terrible. **He was embarrassed to say he hadn’t recognised him, as he kept to himself in classes and it wasn’t as if Virgil made himself known either. Virgil didn’t seem to think this was odd though, he just told him they were in the same class and moved on. **Awkward. **

He wasn’t completely socially awkward at this gathering though; he’d managed to get Virgil to like him? Maybe? **No. **He’d complained about their psychology teacher and Virgil laughed and they’d had a long conversation about why teachers sucked and it was really good?

He told Dot it was really good. This was the first time he’d really gone over to a… friend(?)’s house while he’d lived with Dot and Larry, and they’d been quite interested in how it had been. **Because you’re hopeless.** He’d been invited back next week, and then the week after, and he’d accepted. Eventually it wasn’t just the thought of Dot’s face lighting up into a smile that got him to accept. He liked being around them.

He found that he liked listening to Roman talk about theatre as well, the work that went into acting and working on scripts interested him, as well as Virgil’s experience being a stagehand, all the technical things that needed sorting during a production they were both working in.

Logan found he had a lot to add to the conversation. **You're Annoying.** As he knew a decent amount about theatre productions due to Dot and Larry’s careers, Smiley-Freckles knew less but was extremely enthusiastic about his friend’s passions.

But he still didn’t know Smiley-Freckles’ name. He needed to know. Logan very well couldn’t say “Smiley-Freckles” out loud, could he? **He’ll think you’re a freak. **Logan simply needed to think of how to find out his own, without Smiley-Freckles or Roman and Virgil realising what he was doing.

The following Friday he went to Roman’s house, Roman had a script he needed to rehearse and Virgil was helping him, so Logan decided to work on an unfinished **so unfocused, not good enough **essay from the day before, while Smiley-Freckles sat next to him watching Netflix on his phone. They talked while their theatre friends rehearsed but Logan wouldn’t be distracted from his work to the extent he was the first time. It won’t end well if he lets that happen, he knows. His skin knows. He can’t let himself get distracted, no matter how pretty- **Faggot. **No. Not going there.

In a period where Smiley-Freckles gets distracted by what he’s watching, Logan listens to Roman and Virgil practice, just as Virgil goes to get some snacks;

He’s certain Roman is striking a pose as he recites “Farewell, Ophelia, and remember well / What I have said to you.”

He’s equally as certain that Virgil isn’t striking a pose “’Tis in my memory lock’d, / And you yourself shall keep the key of it.”

It’s Hamlet, Logan knows, it’s Dot’s favourite play. Non-musical play, that is. Ophelia being her favourite character. Logan realises distantly that he doesn’t know what Larry’s is, he should ask later. Logan thinks it’s hilarious that they’re talking to each other using quotations of a play they aren’t even practicing; it makes him laugh. They don’t notice but Smiley-Freckles does. Logan wasn’t expecting to hear what he said in a million years.

“You have a nice smile.”

Logan’s face burns. Shit. Emotion. Kill it with fire. He forgets to respond but he knows Smiley-Freckles doesn’t mind when he hears him giggle as he watches Logan bury his face in his hands. Why did he have to be so damn cute? **Pervert. **

… Why did he have to compliment something so **ugly**?

Logan realises he isn’t going to finish his essay today. **Waste of space. S**o he goes on YouTube and puts on a video of the subject instead, at least that way he’s still working on the essay. He’s gathering further information. **Liar.**

Virgil returns quickly, turns out he was ordering pizza. Logan thinks he’s eaten more pizza in the past three weeks than he has in his life,this hasn’t been a problem so far but it might become one in the future. He’ll have to watch out for that. **Fat. **

Logan excuses himself to the bathroom. He knows he can’t do much here, unless he wanted to be discovered, so he keeps it simple. **UGLY, FAT** and **STUPID **get re-stitched, lightly, then he cuts himself off before he gets carried away. The needles go safely back into his pocket. It only takes a minute to stop the bleeding, then just a little longer to splash water into his face. He then returns downstairs, feeling far more in control than he did previously.

If he was a little less talkative when responding to the others than before, Logan didn’t notice. He was just relieved that he’d calmed down and didn’t want to work himself up again if he could avoid it.

The food arrived before long, two pizza’s and two portions of fries to share between them. This arrangement suited the group far better than before, more to go around now that they could justify buying more with the addition of another friend.

The topic of their conversation drifted from the movie they were going to put on, to how excited Roman and Virgil were for the next performance their youth group was doing this year.

“I can’t wait to see you on stage again!” It looked like it was taking all of Smiley-Freckles’ might to prevent himself from squealing “Have you guys got dates for the show yet?”

“Not specifically but-“ “It’s going to be in April! Tickets should be available at some point in March!” That interjection got Virgil’s eyes rolling even though the smile remained. He found he liked Virgil’s quieter nature, not that he didn’t very much like the others but they could be… overwhelming in their enthusiasm.

Speaking of enthusiasm: “Logan! Are you going to come watch too?”

Logan was overwhelmed. He wasn’t even sure they’d still be friends by the time they’d be buying tickets, let alone by the time the play was on, he squeaked out a “Yes” all the same. The thought of them being disappointed in him sat like a rock on his chest. The affirmations he received at his answer helped a small amount but he had a hard time believing that he’d be wanted around.

The talking continued and so did Logan’s unease, he needed to sew again, not here, he could wait. He was not about to lose his self-control. He just needed something else to focus on than his worries.

Like finding out what one of his new friends was called.

In the end, Logan didn’t even need to try to find out his name, he just needed Smiley-Freckles to remember a documentary he’d watched about dogs and start crying into a slice of pizza.

“I just want all the pugs to feel better!”

“What do you _mean_ you want all the pugs to feel better, Patton?”

“They have problems breathing!”

Patton.

That’s a nice name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three down, an unknown number to go! :)  
Logan desperately needs a hug and ideally a therapist.


	4. Friends Sooth The Soul

All in all, Patton thought everything was going according to plan. He was so sure he’d messed it up by blurting out that invite to Roman’s house too soon, he was just so excited! Logan was being amicable and then Virgil suggested inviting him over to one of their pizza and movie nights so he could meet him properly, to which Roman readily agreed,and he planned to wait a bit before he asked. He just got carried away when Logan said he had no weekend plans.

Patton felt so anxious in the space it took Logan to ask if that he was sure that was really alright with Roman. Yes! We all want you there silly! And that surprised little “You were?” Logan let out when he told him they’d been talking about inviting him made Patton’s gooey heart melt.

He was exactly right when he’d assumed Logan was shy. The tone he spoke in was usually so even, the words he chose conveying indifference, that you’d miss it if you weren’t paying enough attention. If you were, then you’d see him falter ever so slightly before he composed himself. Patton figures he was embarrassed about being emotional, although he didn’t know why.

Patton so very badly wanted their first group hangout to go well, he worried about it for the rest of the week. To the point that even Virge was telling him to calm down.

His fretting was even getting on his own nerves, so he set about trying to make himself feel better by making sure it would go well. This involved asking Logan a butt load of questions about what he liked. He hoped he wasn’t bothering him, then again Logan never told him to go away, so maybe he was just really quiet? At first he only asked him about things like his favourite pizza toppings, so it’s not like he wasn’t expecting a short answer but it really did take quite a bit of effort to get Logan to say more than a few words at a time. Patton got the feeling that Logan just wasn’t used to other people being interested in him, he was hell bent on rectifying that.

Patton was the world’s greatest over-sharer, both a strength and a weakness, he found that the more he shared about himself the more whoever he was talking to tended to share too. Logan was no different, he just took a little longer than most.

On Tuesday he’d gotten him to spill the beans on what he thought about his teachers, turns out he only liked his biology teachers and one of his chemistry teachers but his computer science and psychology teachers “left a lot to be desired” but that he could make up the learning in his own time. Ah, he’s so smart, not many did four subjects in college instead of the usual three and did really well in them too! He’d yet to see an essay Logan had produced that was less than a ‘B’.

On Wednesday he’d managed to get him to talk about his family. He lived with his Aunt Dot and Uncle Larry, he called them by their first names. Logan had no siblings, just like Patton! He didn’t have a dog anymore since Christie died but that he’d like one and maybe he’d ask Dot about it later.

On Thursday he’d gotten Logan to tell him and Roman a worrying but admittedly hilarious story about the time over the summer he’d had to volt a fence to get away from one of the boys from the library and when he’d tried to follow had fallen and landed face first in dog poo. It had Roman howling, apparently this ‘Smithy” was one of the homophobic boys in his Media class he’d been telling him and Virge about. Now, Roman wasn’t a bad person even if he did take joy in hearing about ‘instant karma’ and that’s definitely what that was.

Patton was dead set on keeping his getting to know Logan streak going, he was also dead set on getting Logan and Virgil to like each other. To hit two birds with one stone (sorry birdies!) Patton gave Virgil a nudge to complain about their psychology teacher.

This was what you would call a “good move” because having a topic helped Virge deal with his social anxiety, although Logan’s very blunt way of communicating helped with making Virgil comfortable too, especially when he felt like he’d made a mistake.

Patton was actually really pleased with how nice Logan was about it, he didn’t comment at all when Virgil was abrupt or abrasive, he just carried on talking. For example:

“We’re in the same class. Psychology. Sally’s essay examples suck.”

“Yes! I hate it when she uses mine, it’s just embarrassing, it would be far more effective if she used example answers from the exam board website instead of from the class.”

Patton could see Virgil go pale and tense up when he realised that he’d messed up what he wanted to say, only to relax completely when Logan not only understood what he meant anyway but wasn’t going to make fun of him for it!

They’d gone back and forth like this for a while, outlining problems with her teaching and agreeing with each other. Virgil making points and Logan propping him up; Virgil not understanding Logan’s points and Logan reexplaining without making Virgil feel less intelligent.

Roman watching his boyfriend make a new friend really easily with a smile on his face. Patton practically glowing with how well his new friend was fitting into their group.

Roman ordered the food this time, knowing Virgil would be a little overwhelmed with meeting a new person to make a phone call in the same hour. He ordered a half pepperoni and margarita for him and Virgil, and a vegetarian for Patton and Logan, remembering that Logan had said he liked them. A good thing too, seeing as Patton wouldn’t go half and half with any meat. The trials of being a vegetarian.

They got Logan talking about theatre too! Turns out he had family in the business so he knows loads about it, Patton could tell Roman was impressed, particularly with: “You’re already using the best method to rehearse lines and using it well from what I’ve seen, you’ll do fine for the casting session.”

Virgil taught him that method and anything that compliments Virgil is endearing to Roman. It really did put his mind at ease too, he was part of the acting group, so he knew he was getting a part, he just really wanted a specific one.

Once the food was ordered, Virgil said he had a test he was worried about, so he wanted to get started studying right away. It was for psychology, so Logan ended up going over his revision cards and offering Virgil some help if he needed it. This left Patton and Roman to play video games for a while. Logan seemed to prefer it that way, which was unsurprising to Patton, Logan always seemed more comfy working over socialising. Now at least he was doing both! It made Patton happy to see.

What made him a little less happy was how surprised Logan seemed to be when Roman had invited him back for next week. Had he not had a good time? Had he not liked them? Then Patton saw the start of a smile, gone in a flash and he realised he’d asked himself the wrong question. Had he thought they didn’t like him? Which was ridiculous! Of course they did!

… He asked Virgil as soon as Logan left.

“That might have been the most painless first meeting I’ve ever had.”

“So you did like him?”

“Yeah, Patt, I liked him. You think he liked me?”

Roman answers before Patton gets the chance to: “He’d be crazy not to! I don’t think he’s the type to spend an afternoon talking so much with someone he didn’t like.”

Which gets a smile out of Virge. Smiling comes a lot easier to him nowadays and Patton is always happy to see it, whether he caused it or not.

Over the next week, Logan talked more. Patton still couldn’t get him to go somewhere other than the library, especially at lunch, but the conversations they had while he worked were longer; he was volunteering information on his own, without Patton or the dynamic duo having to ask. Mostly about books he’d read but still! Turns out he’s really into astronomy, he spent a good chunk of time talking about constellations.

Virgil was joining them now too, though less often, he preferred to spend a lot of time in learning support, it was easier to get his work done in there.

Patton had seen those boys once or twice, out the corner of his eye, they were always looking at Logan but they didn’t dare do anything while Logan was clearly with people. Patton worried what they would do when he wasn’t there. He couldn’t be around all the time.

That test was a beast, apparently, they’d both only just scraped a ‘C’ which was pretty great for the start of the year but was worse than what they’d been getting. Virgil taking it easy on himself, knowing he did the best he could do but Logan seemed… upset? He wasn’t talking as much as before, was working himself harder. The teacher wasn’t pleased with the results and had gifted the class a lot of revision work to do.

He still said he’d come to their next hangout, so Patton counted that as a win. There was a makeup test the next Monday, so Logan and Virgil were probably going to work then too. Patton decided to turn it into a study session. Roman groaned but agreed, he had some textiles work he was behind on and he couldn’t let his brother beat him for deadlines of all things.

The third Friday was a little more relaxed than the previous.

Patton wanted to watch an episode or two of Stranger Things, which was just fine by everyone else because Roman had just got the script for the play his theatre group was putting on this year, written by one of the youth workers and he was loving it. Virgil was helping him practice, which meant Virge could justify spending lots of one-on-one time with his boyfriend to his Dad (who he’s not out of the closet to sexuality wise), which meant Virgil was having a very good week.

Logan was working again but didn’t seem to be pushing himself as hard as he had the previous week, so Patton wasn’t going to insist he have a break just yet. He wasn’t sure what Logan’s reaction would be at this point.

He does know how he would react to Roman and Virgil’s Shakespearean flirting though. He laughed and smiled and it was the first time Patton had seen him properly smile. It was a lovely smile. He couldn’t help but compliment it, wasn’t until the words fell out of his mouth that he remembered how shy Logan was, or realised that it would sound so incredibly… romantic.

Logan’s reaction to that was instantaneous, his smile, along with his increasingly red cheeks, were promptly covered with his hands. Patton was too flustered to say anything else and it seemed Logan was the same. Roman teased the living daylights out of him when Logan left for the bathroom.

When he returned, he was much quieter, and Patton thought he’d splashed water in his face. Patton would have to figure out how to compliment him without pressing the reset button on his shyness because he definitely wouldn’t be stopping.


	5. St. Patton, Raiser of Self-Esteem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Depictions of Self-Harm

Logan was not used to being complimented at all outside of his schoolwork, and suddenly he was getting complimented all the time. Patton, the absolute sweetest person he knew, had decided that Logan was in dire need of compliments, like there was a quota to be filled, or something. His hair, various parts of his face and everyday he complimented his choice of tie. It was the only thing that changed about his clothing choice on a day to day basis, seeing as he wore a lot of basically the same black dress shirt. 

Logan was never going to get used to Patton’s sudden mighty need to say nice things about his appearance, his face did its very best impression of a tomato every time. He hated it; he should have more restraint than this! He knows, logically, that the way to stop these feelings is to cut of contact, but even if it was that easy, he can’t overlook the fact that he’s starting to have real, honest to God, good days. Not neutral, not less bad than usual, but good. So what if he felt worse on his bad days than he usually did? Maybe the swings were better than not feeling anything at all? 

It’s well into December now and Logan, very abruptly, has no clue what he’s meant to be doing. He’s never had friends at Christmas before, what’s the etiquette? Does he need to get cards? Presents? Patton got him a card, it had a caricature of a Labrador wearing Logan’s glasses and one of his favourite tie’s inside the cover. Dot squealed when she saw it and insisted on putting it on the mantle piece. 

So, cards. He could do cards. There was a shop that sold them near where he lived, he just needed to get some and figure out what to write in them, he’s sure Dot will help him with that, in fact, she might insist on it. It doesn’t take him long to find an ideal pack, drawings of animals in Christmas gear, add glitter. Patton will love them. Logan decides he wants to get them all something more than cards. He ends up going for chocolate, that’s a pretty safe option, Virgil eats Toblerone constantly, Roman will eat literally anything sweet, and Patton said he has to be careful about brands because not everything’s vegetarian, but Cadbury’s Roses indicate they are… and if he impulse buys bright red dog plush because it reminds him of Patton and his love of beanie baby’s then that’s his business. 

It’s only later that night, once Dot’s helped him with the messages, that he realised that day had been one of the good days. He wished he hadn’t, he’d only be waiting for a bad one now, and unfortunately it came far sooner rather than later. Logan is woken in the middle of the night by his heart jumping up into his throat. **Disgusting.** His pulse is gearing up for a marathon and he can’t breathe. **Contaminated.** He doesn’t remember getting to the bathroom, **Filthy** he just suddenly finds himself leaning over the toilet and emptying out the limited contents of his stomach. **Repulsive.** He needs his needles. **Tainted.** He always keeps them in the bathroom in case he needs them during the night. **Worthless.** But he can’t breathe right now, can barely see, and he can’t do anything until it passes. **Pathetic. **

Logan isn’t sure if he’s hit his head when he falls to the floor, still very much preoccupied by his malfunctioning lungs. He doesn’t try to call for his guardians, during or once it’s ended. **Burden. **He doesn’t need help. **You don’t deserve help. **He begins with the crease of his left arm, the word he cuts the most often, especially after nightmares like those. He continues onto all the other things plaguing his mind. **Freak** He ends up lying in the empty bathtub, bloody and ashamed, for a very long time. Possessing no motivation to clean himself up or move at all.

Logan would not be sleeping anymore that night. This put him in a foul mood the next day, particularly because he knew he wouldn’t be able to focus on work. He tried his best to take notes in his classes, but he decided the most ideal course of action was to go home to complete his homework. He’d just have to give out the cards another day, he would just snap at anyone who tried to talk to him until he felt better, and an argument with his friends would just make him feel worse than he already did. 

Dot catches him throwing up again the next night, so he can’t calm himself down like the day before, he tells her he’s come down with a bug and she insists on him staying home. She tells him he’s looked pale in the face for the past few days. He tells her he feels much better now but conceded to staying off for the day. For the first time he wishes he had a mobile phone, now that he has people he actually wants to talk to on a daily basis, and he knows Patton will be worried when he’s not there today. He was probably worried when he didn’t see him yesterday. **He’d be so much better off if he hadn’t met you. **

It’s a Thursday when he goes back in. His biology teacher makes a comment about missed work and his skin crawls. He’d forgotten to email him and ask for it. **Failure. **He’s certain it’s going to be another bad day; this would make three in a row. Then something strange happens. He sees Patton for the first time in three days, or more accurately, Patton spots him walking down the corridor and practically runs to see him. Patton hugs him and tells Logan he missed him. Suddenly this day doesn’t seem so bleak, if Patton’s sunny smile at the Christmas card and gifts he receives have anything to say about it. 

He promises not to open them until Christmas day, and Logan waves goodbye as Patton as he goes off to History. Logan can’t put his finger on it, but something about this interaction makes him feel… lighter. Perhaps he was correct in thinking making friends could be a positive, because even though he was feeling a little worse lately, just a few minutes with Patton helped without even him even trying. 

This gave Logan an idea. He despised asking Dot and Larry to buy him things, more so when they weren’t to do with work, but he hoped they would understand. They’d asked him what he’d wanted for Christmas in November, and in all the years he’d lived with them he never knew how to answer that question, but he did now, he hoped it wasn’t too late. **You’re bothering them. **In the meantime, he’d continue on to the next day and hope he hadn’t bothered them too much. 

Turns out class work is easier when your head isn’t swimming, it’s also nicer when you spend your free period chatting with Patton and you have psychology with Virgil period three. Logan’s looking forward to this week’s hangout far more than the others, mostly because he’s finally made the connection of Seeing Friends = Better mood. Another change this realisation spurred on was the decision to actually hang out at the hangouts, no homework for him on Friday nights, he had a whole weekend to do whatever he needed to do. He wanted to spend the time talking to people who made him feel happy without working while he was doing it. 

He realised he was going to be made fun of for knowing nothing about video games, but Logan figured that was a fair trade. 

Roman does a double take when, 10 minutes after arriving, Logan hasn’t yet pulled out his laptop. 

“I wanted to, what did you say last week? Ah, yes, ‘Get decimated in Mario Kart.’” 

Logan didn’t really see it himself, but apparently his deadpan way of delivering lines was pretty funny to other people when he phrased it correctly, that one certainly startled Roman into laughing. 

“What? You made it sound so appealing, I couldn’t resist trying to get ‘wrecked by rainbow road’ at least once.” 

And now Virgil had joined in on the laughter, Patton was too busy setting up the game to pay attention. It was really nice to see that he was so excited to do something with him, it really made him feel wanted. 

He was, predictably, kind of terrible, but he found he didn’t mind the teasing so much as it was good natured and laced with advice on how to improve, they seemed to be pretty understanding about his lack of experience as Virgil hadn’t really played any before meeting them either. 

He did indeed “Get wrecked by rainbow road” he now perfectly understood Roman’s frustration with the game. Virgil was amazing at it, and he consistently rubbed it in Roman’s face specifically. Logan enjoyed their banter, Virgil’s dry wit and Roman’s dramatic responses, and he thought they made an excellent couple. 

… He found himself a little jealous, he’d never been in a relationship and he, well, truth be told he wouldn’t touch one with an 80ft pole. He was scared of them… of the type he wanted to have. He just felt so wrong, disgusting, and he KNEW _logically_, that there wasn’t anything wrong with it. He just couldn’t help feeling like there was something wrong with him. He couldn’t get his father’s opinions out of his head. 

Later that night, once he’d gone home, he’d stood in front of the mirror, needle in hand, staring at his face and trying to understand what Patton saw when he looks at him. 

** Ugly.  **

… But not to Patton. 

** Patton hasn’t seen all of you.  **

Maybe not, but that’s not going to stop Logan from feeling good about it. 

Logan put the needle away again, without doing anything with it. He feels proud of himself as he goes to bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really am on a roll right now, but don't expect updates so regular in the future lol.


	6. Relapses Are Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of self-harm and eating disorders

Logan had messed up. He’d messed up really bad.

**Monster.**

He’d made it a week before faltering but he’d cut again last night. **Corrupted.** He didn’t even have a proper reason too, he just felt… empty, and there’s been a growing stress he didn’t know how to handle as he didn’t do it at times he previously would, he wanted to make himself feel something. **Selfish.** He felt so ashamed, after he’d decided he wanted to stop, it had turned out to be so much harder than he thought it would be. Logan had thought it was a choice, one he could prevent himself from making at any time, but… he couldn’t. He didn’t know why he didn’t have control.

He’s very used to having control.

Cutting used to make him feel like he had control, now the very same thing made him feel the exact opposite.

Was the safety he’d felt doing it an illusion? Just an emotion? Had he always been out of control? Had he always been so close to danger without realising he was in it?

He’d walked into college that morning with a head swirling with these thoughts.

He’d been making a mistake for a long time, and now he was failing to stop. He was failing. He was _failing_. He was a **failure**.

Logan hadn’t thought he had an addictive personality, that’s what really through him off; to suddenly realise you have an addiction, one that does serious physical damage to you… it’s scary.

Then he’d gone and upset Patton.

**You piece of shit. **

A far worse offence.

He hadn’t meant to snap at him, hadn’t even realised he’d done it until afterwards, and Logan thought he couldn’t feel any worse. Boy, was he wrong.

He shouldn’t have come into college today.

Patton had thought he’d done something wrong, no one hisses “Shut up, I don’t care!” and then storms off for no reason, right? Maybe that reason was him? He’d been… flirting for a while now, and while Logan’s flustered reactions were adorable, maybe he’d been getting upset without Patton realising. Maybe Patton had crossed a line. But after calming down and talking to his favouritest couple in the whole wide world, his guilt changed swiftly to worry.

“Or maybe it’s nothing to do with you, Patman,” Virgil was very knowledgeable about negative emotions, “maybe he was already upset and overwhelmed and he couldn’t handle talking to anyone so he shut down the conversation the only way he could. Like I used to do when I got that way.”

Patton was sure that Virgil was correct, even if a little voice in the back of his head whispered that it was his fault, and the thought of Logan being upset and isolating himself like Virgil used to.

They, both Virgil and Logan, had psychology last period today. Virgil could see what was going on, find out if they could help, hopefully, if Logan’s calmed down enough by then. He was sure that Logan would be there on 10 minutes early on the dot, he always was a model student.

The lesson began and Logan was late.

Logan was very, very late.

Logan was never late.

The minutes ticked by and it became clearer and clearer that Logan wasn’t going to show up.

Shit.

Logan knew the college was going to call Dot and Larry about him not turning up to his classes today… he knew they’d fuss, get him to talk.

He didn’t want to talk, to anyone.

He just couldn’t handle working right now, his self-worth was too tied to the results and it was overwhelmingly the catalyst of his bad moods… which often lead to him cutting. He didn’t want to go home either, so instead of taking the 45-minute commute back to where he lived, he walked around the area near his college until he found the local library. He’d grabbed the first book he could find and spent a good four hours reading, and finishing, the book before the library closed.

He knew there was a park nearby, he’d never been there and he decided that he wanted to go, so he walked around a little more until he found it. Etherington Park was a really nice place, there were always a ton of geese, pigeons and ducks around, to the point that the shop just inside it sold bird seed to feed them with, bread being bad for birds and all.

There was another small shop down the left path of the park, this one more of a mini-garden centre that also sold ice-cream, soft drinks and other sugary snacks. Just to the left of the first shop was a café that allowed dogs, Patton would love that. **Almost as much as he must hate you. **He hadn’t eaten anything today, and he’d love to go inside and get something to eat but… he hadn’t worked today. **Fat.** Logan just couldn’t justify getting himself any food. **Greedy. **There’s a small man-made pond, with a miniature dock in the centre of the park, it’s got three walls around it and lily pads in the water. Logan distantly theorised that it was built as a habitat for the dragonflies in the area, as they seemed to flock there. Occasionally there would be one or two birds playing around, he recognised them as Eurasian Coot’s, he saw them a few weeks ago in a section of the main river and he realised they must come here regularly. He could show them to Patton. **Idiot. **

Logan sat down at the end of the little dock, ignoring the cold biting at his skin, he spends a long time feeding the birds, it doesn’t take long for the sky to darken, it being solidly winter now. He wished it snowed more than a maximum of two days a year here, snow was much nicer than rain, and it did look like it was going to rain. ****

As he looked up to the grey clouds, he felt like he deserved to feel worse. **Callous.** Patton was very sensitive, he knew that all too keenly, and his poor friend was undoubtedly upset. **Cruel. **He was a terrible friend. **Evil. **Patton had such a huge heart and Logan was **heartless. **

He was finding it hard to breathe through the hiccupping sobs, his head was pounding and he had no idea how long he’d been crying when he heard footsteps coming up the dock. This startled him as he was sure no one would be around here at this time.

Logan peers up through the tears and sees someone who looks almost exactly like Roman leaning over him, though he knew it couldn’t be Roman because if he’d dyed a silver streak in his hair, they would have heard all about it weeks in advance.

The boy offered a grin and a tissue.

“Hi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been pretty excited for introducing Remus and to start talking about everybody's families in this au more :)  
Also to get my multiship on with Remus/Deceit/Remy  
Tbh Logan deserves all the friends


	7. Stream of Consciousness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan has finally met Remus, who really should’ve been the one nicknamed “Chatter”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of Homophobic and transphobic families.

The boy was named Remus, Logan learned as he used the tissue to wipe the snot from his face, and he was Roman’s twin brother, much to both of their chagrin. They weren’t that fond of each other and Remus always went over to his significant others’ house when he knew Roman was going to have people over.

“And no, I did not misspeak, I have two whole-ass awesome people wanting to smooch me! I love Remy and Dee so damn much! I want to squeeze some love into their brains… and to steal the kneecaps of anyone who so much as looks at them wrong.”

It was unclear to Logan whether Remus was specifically talking this much to distract him from what he was crying about or if he was just naturally the oversharer of the year, but he appreciated it all the same.

“The people I want to beat up the most are Dee’s parents, they’re such pieces of shit, Dee’s been living with Remy and their Mom for the past year ‘cause they were such homophobic fucknuggets. I love Remy’s Mom though, she’s so nice, she never screams at me when I put spiders in her hair, although she does scream.”

Logan felt a vague hollowness in his chest at the thought of Dee’s housing situation, the same one he felt when he was told Virgil’s mother had left when he came out and started to transition. Luckily Virgil’s father had been extremely supportive of him or he might’ve ended up in the same position. Logan might’ve…

Logan loved Dot and Larry.

“My parents are okay, I used to have a lot of trouble with them but they’re just trying their best with two massive handfuls – meaning me and Roman – and I can’t really blame them for anything. Lucky our little sister isn’t anywhere near as energetic lol.” He actually says lol out loud, he was not laughing as he said it. Logan is confused. “Valentina is such a little sweetheart, me and Roman are always fighting to dote on her.”

That got a tiny smile out of Logan, **You’re so ugly when you smile**, he could imagine that. Roman duelling with his brother over who gets to read a bedtime story.

Logan had solidly stopped weeping by now, so he set about cleaning himself up. Ugh, so much snot. Once he’s finished Remus holds his hand out for the tissue, Logan obliges. He didn’t want to keep hold of it, that thing was pretty nasty.

“Would you like to see me lick your snot?”

“I’m indifferent.”

“Huh?”

“I’m indifferent,” Logan repeated, now fully regaining his usual lack of intonation “I don’t care whether you do or don’t, I’m unaffected by it.”

Remus tilted his head in response, like a confused puppy, and brought the tissue up to his mouth and gave it a big lick. Logan was completely unphased, still looking at him blankly, no disgust in sight.

“Hmm, you’re weird. My kind of weird, I like you.”

“Thank you.”

“But I hope you know that for the rest of the time you know me, I’m gonna be doing grosser and grosser shit to see what finally gets a reaction.”

“I would expect nothing less.”

“Okay, just checking.”

Logan was certainly well on his way to being calm now, he wasn’t sure what it was about Remus’ half-talking to him half-monologue about his life that soothed his nerves. Perhaps it was tricking Logan’s brain into focusing on his information output instead? He would need to test this further.

Remus then launched into a tirade concerning all of the other things Remus has licked that he should not have licked. A few notable mentions are an assortment of bath bombs, slugs and a reddish-brown stain of unknown origin. This is simply because Remus would. Logan doesn’t bother to question it.

Now that his… meltdown was over, Logan was feeling pretty drained. And cold. Fuck, he wanted to go home. He noticed a video camera placed next to Remus and decides to ask him about it. Remus lets out a witch-like cackle.

“I’m making a student film type thing, only it’s not for college, it’s about zombies!”

That explains why he’s in the park on his own after dark, and why he has a large tube of fake blood sticking out of his jeans. Then Logan’s stomach rumbles, causing Remus to waste no time in grabbing his wrist and pulling him up. Proclaiming that they would go to the café at the front of the park. Logan quietly died of embarrassment behind him.

There was no way he was going to convince Remus that he wasn’t hungry… maybe that was a good thing, even if it really didn’t feel like it. The worst part about it was that Remus wouldn’t even let him pay for himself, he threatened to stab him with a fork when he tried to bring up paying him back.

So Logan ate. **Fat.** Felt like absolute shit while doing so. **You don’t deserve to eat. **While Remus talked about college and what he actually did for it. He did drama too, naturally, as well as PE and Maths. Remus liked a lot of physical activity, he said with a wide grin and a wiggle of his eyebrow, but he also “just ducking loved numbers.” Huh, he didn’t think they’d have that in common. Mostly because he rarely has that in common with other people.

Logan managed to swallow down the sandwich and drink, just as he finished, Remus got a text.

“Ooooh, looks like our favourite protagonists are worried! You didn’t tell me you’d skipped classes, you rebel.”

Logan let out a snort, that quickly turned into a mortified cough. Oh, shit, he’d been such a dick to Patton and then gone awol. What was he going to do? Were they mad?

“As funny as it is watching my brother freak out, let’s go back to my place. It’s getting too dark to film anyway.”

It didn’t take long to get from the park to the Ventris residence, but it did take a while for Remus to scale the fence and pull Logan along with him so they could get in through the back door. Something about a dramatic entrance.

Remus kicks open the back door and shouts “Roman!” Three heads snap around to look at Remus “You’re friend is sad, fix him!”

“I’m not-”

“You were ugly crying in the middle of the Park, you’re sad.”

Logan’s mouth snapped shut. He couldn’t argue with that. Fuck. He didn’t want to be sad, didn’t want other people to know he was sad, what was he going to-

And suddenly he’d been knocked to the floor by a very teary eyed Patton doing his best impression of a koala.

”Tell me why you’re sad!”

Tomato Logan has returned with a vengeance.

Yay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they talk! Or, Remus talks and Logan interjects now and again.  
(Remus absolutely would feed the sad, skinny boy he found in the quasi-wilderness)


	8. Toe the Line

It didn’t matter how cautious Virgil was when telling Patton that Logan hadn’t turned up to class, didn’t matter what words he chose. Patton freaked out. Logan never missed a class. Ever. It had only happened once before when Logan had been really sick!

In a case of role reversal, Virgil ended up having to calm Patton down from a panic attack. Virgil had started having them when he was around 14 and they’d been rather constant ever since. When he’d met Patton in high school, Virgil had been mid panic attack and Patton had rushed over to calm him down. He was a little ashamed of himself for not thinking to ask Patton how he’d known how to, only finding out how much he’d bottled up emotions because he didn’t want to burden or annoy anyone much later.

Patton had his first panic attack when he was 4, and while they didn’t happen as frequently as Virgil’s did, they tended to last much longer in comparison.

Roman had gone to get Thomas, one of the two well-being officers the college employed. They acted as councillor’s and they were also trained in first aid, which was why it was a good idea to get him when either of them had a panic attack while they were on the premises. The other well-being officer, Joan, was also pretty good – in Roman’s experience – but Thomas was the one Patton had been seeing since he started college this year.

It didn’t take long to fetch Thomas from his office, bringing a pulse oximeter, a small device that is used to check how well your heart is pumping oxygen through your body as well as the heart rate, with him. Once he’d arrived, he ushered the three boys into the nearest unused classroom.

“You’ve done a great job of calming him down, Virgil, now can you keep rubbing those circles on his back while I do this?” Thomas knows all too well that Virgil needs reassurance in situations like these, the last time Patton had a panic attack and Virgil felt like he wasn’t helping, Thomas had to coach through two simultaneous panic attacks. Not fun for anyone involved.

“Yeah.” Virgil knew exactly what Thomas was doing, that this was just as much for him as it was for Patton… and he was actually pretty grateful. Him freaking out too would only make it worse for Patton.

Roman sits himself to Patton’s right and joins Virgil in comforting their friend, who had stopped hyperventilating by that point but was still rather shaken. Thomas put the pulse oximeter on Patton’s index finger and checked the readings for Patton’s oxygen saturation level after a minute.

94%.

A little on the low side but that was expected for a panic attack, it was still in the healthy range, so Thomas was pretty certain that Patton was okay.

Thomas removed the device from Patton’s finger, now that the physical side of this was seen to:

“Want to tell me what happened?”

Patton nods slowly, tiredly, then spoke almost in a whisper “‘m worried about my friend Logan.”

Thomas had heard Patton, and Virgil now that he thought about it, mention Logan in their weekly sessions. Worry seemed to be the general theme with Logan.

The main reason students got referred to him was if they were struggling with their work, a co-worker thought that they needed to talk to someone, or if the student sought him out themselves. Logan Argall was none of the three, so their paths had not yet crossed… maybe it was time they did. From what the boys told him, Logan seemed to be very stressed and if he was skipping classes as a result…

“Do you think he might benefit from coming to see me?”

Virgil responds before the others have a chance to.

“Yeah, I think so. Logan seems to be bottling up a lot of emotions, I think today was those emotions bubbling over.”

Patton, still whispering, “I want to talk to him about it the next time we see him.”

They give Patton around 20 minutes before they get him to get up. They’d decided to go to Roman’s place, he needed to babysit his sister tonight and he knew his parents wouldn’t mind him having Patton and Virgil over as long as he looked after her.

As they left the building, Roman started to think about what happened today, and how much he thought what Virgil said rang true.

The more Roman thinks about it, the more he’s positive that it’s got something to to with the coursework. The majority of the time Roman sees Logan, he’s working on his laptop, working in his notebook, reorganising his work folders. It had gotten a little bit better the past two weeks, Logan had stopped doing school work at Roman’s house on Friday’s and everyone had been pretty pleased about that, now Roman wondered if that was the only break Logan was giving himself… maybe it was him buckling under the pressure. Roman wondered if Logan made any time for himself, had any hobbies, a dark pit opened up in his chest at the possibility that he didn’t.

Maybe now was the time to bring up the eating thing too? He never ate during lunch, they’d all noticed by now, none of them knew if he ate properly outside of college.

Patton had been the first to bring it up between them, although it had been less about food and more about his weight. “Am I overthinking about nothing,” he’d began, “or is Logan too skinny? Like, unhealthy-skinny.”

“I mean… he isn’t skin and bone,” Virgil had replied “so maybe he just has a fast metabolism?”

“Maybe, but you might have a point there padre, he doesn’t really eat during lunch, does he?”

Patton chewed on his lip anxiously. None of them really knew how to ask him about it, especially because they weren’t actually sure that they were right, but after that they started to notice how hesitant and uncomfortable Logan was when he ate in front of them, how much he seemed to avoid food, previously brushed off as Logan’s general nervousness in social situations.

They were all worried. Roman was now eternally glad that Patton had noticed Logan’s pattern of behaviour and brought him into their group. The thought of Logan suffering like this alone pained him. It was a good decision.

He talked about all this with Virgil when they got there, after Roman had carefully explained to Valentina that Patton wasn’t feeling well and they were going to make him feel better, she got out her colouring books and got Patton drawing with her because that’s what she did when she felt bad.

Virgil agreed. Something had to give and he was now determined that it wasn’t going to be Logan, he was going to make sure he ate lunch if it killed them.

Once it reached Valentina’s bedtime, they made a game plan. Logan was going to tell them what was going on, was going to go see Thomas about it, whether he liked it or not.

… And if he didn’t have a good enough reason for upsetting Patton, Virgil and Roman were going to kill him. Slowly. Painfully.

They all wished they could do it right then and there but Logan didn’t have a phone and none of them knew where he lived.

Turns out they didn’t need to because the prodigal brother had returned with a rather anxious looking Logan in tow.

Their plan for a calm intervention went entirely out the window the second Patton heard the word ‘sad’.

Logan’s balance never stood a chance. What made it worse was Patton’s question made Logan’s lower lip wobble and without the ability to cover is face via Patton’s crushing embrace, everyone could see how close he was to crying for what they now knew to be the second time that night.

Logan couldn’t speak, he was far too overwhelmed, luckily the others could see how hard he was trying to communicate and stopped him before he really did start crying again. Virgil and Roman convince Patton to let Logan up and everybody goes back to sitting on the couch, sans Virgil who goes to get a pen and some paper.

Now, Roman was honestly a little unsettled by Remus’ presence. He usually only hung around Roman to mess with him, but he had to admit; Remus was good to his friends. It seemed he’d decided that Logan was his new friend and Roman wasn’t going to complain about that. Not about Logan getting another friend nor sharing one with Remus.

Roman may have been a petty jerk like that when it came to his brother in their youth, but he was set on moving past that. He’d grown and he was better off for it.

Virgil returns swiftly, nudges Patton to let Logan have a little wiggle room so he can hold the pen and notebook he’d brought back, then hands it to him.

“We’re gonna ask you some questions and you can use this to answer, okay?”

Logan nods to the best of his ability, then waits for them to begin.

Remus beats the rest of the group to the punch with “Why were you in the park?”

_ I didn’t want to go home but I couldn’t stay in college either, I wanted to be alone so I went to the library, I still didn’t feel better by the time it closed, so I went to the park because it was nearby. _

Patton reads it out loud, once he’s done Roman asks “Why couldn’t you stay in college?”

_ I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle being in a classroom. I was far too overwhelmed to even talk to Patton and that’s usually so easy. Everything else seemed impossible in comparison. _

Virgil was right, it seemed. Self-isolation. One thing about this made Patton smile a bit, he liked that Logan enjoyed talking to him, but there was another part of this that concerned him.

Patton repeats “Why are you sad, Logan?”

That… was a hard question to answer.

**Because you’re stupid filth and you deserve to be in pain.**

**You should be cutting more, not less. **

**You should cut deeper.**

It takes Logan a long time to answer it, he couldn’t tell them about what he’d been doing but the thought of lying to them made him feel ill. Part of the reason he’d avoided classes was because they’d worsen his state of mind, he’d judge everything he did harshly and spiral into an even more pathetic state than he was already in. Instead, he presents it as the sole problem, keeping the trigger to himself.

_ I’ve just been so stressed with college, I feel like none of the work I’m producing is good enough so I need to rewrite everything until I’m satisfied with it. I have at least 5 different attempts of everything I’ve done so far and it makes it impossible to be doing anything else. I can’t help but think I’m being lazy when I’m not working. _

Patton clings to him tighter. If he wasn’t still delicate from the panic attack earlier then he’d likely be on a rant about how smart and wonderful and _more than good enough_ Logan is.

Virgil takes a look at Logan’s work folder, staring for a second at all the A’s and B’s. “… Sanaol.”

That gets a snort out of Roman which Virgil doesn’t notice in his confusion. How could Logan think these grades weren’t good enough? He almost voices this out loud but thinks better of it. He knew what it was like to constantly be critiquing yourself, to only punish yourself when you don’t do something 100% perfectly and never rewarding yourself for any accomplishment because you should be performing at that standard anyway.

He’d been getting better at that himself, thanks to seeing his therapist and Thomas, but now he was only certain that Logan needed to see Thomas.

Now to bring it up.

“I got really overwhelmed in high school,” he begins carefully “My form tutor recommended I get support in college too, so I got told to go see Thomas Sanders.”

“The guy with the bowl of sweets that has an office near the entrance?”

Pleased that Logan felt okay enough to speak again, everyone relaxed a smidge “Yeah, he’s really good at this stuff. Like, making plans on how to make work easier for you, I could go in with you tomorrow if you want?”

Now that got Logan’s attention, talking about emotions terrified him, but making a plan? Scheduling work so that it’s easier? Sign him the fuck up because that’s some good shit right there.

“Sounds good.”

Roman would say something about getting Logan home because his aunt and uncle probably didn’t know where he was, but before he could he felt something slimy drip onto the back of his neck.

“DAMN IT, REMUS!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Mister_Scandalous for introducing me to the phrase "Sanaol" which is a term that is used by Filipinos to wish for an individual's success or luck to spread to other people. I still find it hilarious.


	9. Antidisestablishmentarianism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fun with words, to distract from not so fun eating habits.

Dot and Larry, true to form, were quite upset about Logan’s disappearing act. ‘We were sick with worry.’ Dot had said when he finally got home. Logan truly didn’t mean to worry them, he gave them the paper he’d been writing on to explain what had happened and thankfully they’d been understanding. Although he’d definitely get grounded if he did it again.

All in all, this wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been.

He still felt like a **pathetic failure** but he’d managed to make a whole new friend during this ordeal too. That’s four, now. Four friends. Four more than he had previously.

He might make two more, as Remus is dead set on introducing him to his “datemate’s” soon. In the meantime…

“Do you think it I’d make a splat or a crunch if I jumped out the window right now?”

“A mixture of both, I suspect.”

Nothing Remus said really shocked Logan, he’d thought up far worse scenarios in his own head after all. They were on the third floor of the college, in a cosy little room called Learning Support, with a bunch of computers, stationary, tables and a ‘break corner’ ironically nowhere near a corner next to a middle window.

They were in said irony corner now, him and Remus, Logan being forced to take a break and Remus standing with his face pressed against the window.

The day after the Logan’s meltdown, Virgil had taken him to see Thomas who had talked through how to stop over working himself. It was going to be a long, tiring process but a very necessary one. Logan liked Thomas, he was good at figuring stuff out… but not too good.

As it stood, everyone thought he had a problem with perfectionism, which was true, but not the full story. Logan had agreed to see Thomas once a week, to see how he was doing and to hopefully avoid another problem like that again. Logan had also agreed, on Thomas’ recommendation, that he do his work in Learning Support where he would have access to resources like teachers to help if he needed it. It helped that Remus, Patton, Roman and Virgil all used Learning Support too, for various reasons, so he’d get to be around them more often.

What he didn’t realise was that his friends were actually going to get him to take breaks throughout the day.

Fuck.

**Lazy. **

Remus was kind of the worst? He had a completely different schedule than the others, so he was always there for all the free periods that Logan had. He was always there for lunch.

Double fuck.

**Fat. **

So there was no way to convince Remus he didn’t need to eat during the day, he made sure Logan had lunch and that he ate everything he got. Logan had a sinking suspicion that Remus wasn’t anywhere near as socially clueless as he presented himself to be, he was figuring things out that Logan didn’t want him too, wasn’t he.

**Disgusting. Greedy. Freak. **

What he hated most about it was that Remus was right. He needed to eat lunch. It wasn’t healthy to skip meals and Logan knew that… he knew that he had a problem but it didn’t change how gross eating made his body feel. Logan didn’t want to hate his body, he didn’t want to feel like he was doing something wrong when he gave himself nourishment, but he did. He always did.

He couldn’t talk to anyone about this, even though it seemed everyone already knew anyway. He saw the pleased looks on his friends faces when he agreed to eat lunch, when he agreed to eat anything. He loved that they cared and hated it in equal measure.

His one solace in this was that it was going to be Christmas Break soon, Dot and Larry would still be working on the production going on this year. He wouldn’t need to make himself eat.

**You don’t deserve to eat. **

Logan felt guilty for that, for how hard it was to be healthy, for how guilty he felt when he did eat, for being such a **fat useless lump, you should be working, not pigging out. You don’t deserve to eat until you’ve finished.** **You deserve to waste away until your even more of a nothing than you already are. **

Logan takes another bite out of the burger, ignoring how Remus pretends not to be keeping an eye on his progress with it. **Fat. **Fuck, he just wants this to be over, why is it so hard to just get this down? **Fat.** His throat feels like sandpaper. **Fat. **

He doesn’t notice Remus’ hand on his shoulder until it’s already there, concern coating his face like paint. Logan wants to wipe it off. Make it all disappear so he doesn’t have to look at it. Doesn’t have to be reminded of how **horrible **he is.

“Logan? Logan, you’re crying, why are you crying?”

“… I don’t know.”

“Is it the burger?”

Logan doesn’t respond to that. He can’t. He just can’t.

**Attention Seeker. **

Remus already knows, spotted it a mile away in that café on the day they met. He’s got a lot of experience with this stuff since he’s been dating Dee for a while. Eating disorders fucking sucked to recover from but Logan was Remus’ friend now. Remus could help. Remus _was going _to help.

“It’s okay if it is, you know, nobody’s going to judge you.”

Logan looks down in shame. He wished no one knew. Remus thinks it’s a good idea to get Dee over here, he plucks his phone out of his pocket and asks if Dee has some free time to offer some counselling to a new friend.

A few minutes later Remus spots Dee walking into Learning Support and waves, “Hey, Dee, do you know what the longest word in the dictionary is?”

“Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, it refers to a lung disease contracted from the inhalation of very fine silica particles, specifically from a volcano and it’s 45 letters long.” Logan doesn’t miss the utter awe that Remus looks over with, clearly not expecting Dee to just fire off the correct answer straight away. 

Dee isn’t fazed by the question either, just sits across from Logan and smiles “So, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re a terrible liar.” The smile doesn’t move an inch on that face, “I would know, takes one to know one.”

Logan’s frown deepens

“Hey, Dee? Do you know any other big ass words like that?”

“Floccinaucinihilipilification is the longest non-technical word, it refers to the act of describing something as having little or no value. It’s in the Oxford English Dictionary, but Merriam-Webster refuses to included it because it’s ‘little more than linguistic ephemera’.”

While Remus giggles at the silly sounding word and spends a minute thinking about how incredibly smart his – he cranes his neck to see the band on Dee’s wrist, yellow and pink, so she/her pronouns right now – girlfriend is, Dee takes the chance to ask Logan another question.

“Remus says you’re having similar problems to me, with food, is that right?”

The very last thing Logan wants to do right now is to admit it but he knows he’s been caught out and he’s been far too quiet to deny it now… although knowing he isn’t the only one in the room dealing with this does make the stiff nod he gives Dee sting a little bit less.

“Hey, Dee, have any more?”

“Antidisestablishmentarianism, one letter shorter than floccinaucinihilipilification, it’s the opposition to the disestablishment of the Church of England.”

“… So it’s pro-religion ‘n shit?”

“It’s pro-no-separation-of-church-and-state.”

“Oh. It’s cool that you know that.”

“Thanks.” Her ‘s’ rolling in an unusual but actually quite pleasant way.

Logan likes that most of the attention isn’t on him, he realises that’s by design and he feels grateful for it anyway. While Remus asks for more words, Logan starts to eat again, taking small bites. It’s a little easier now.

“Subdermatoglyphic, the longest accepted isogram, a word in which every letter is used only once and refers to the underlying dermal matrix that determines the pattern formed by the whorls, arches, and ridges of our fingerprints.”

Logan’s half-way through the burger, he tries to be proud of himself.

**Pig.**

“Rotavator, A type of soil tiller, the longest non-coined palindromic word included in an English dictionary.”

Three quarters eaten! Nearly there, nearly there…

“The longest words to appear in a major dictionary comprised entirely of consonants is cwtch. It’s the Welsh word for a hiding place.”

“Is there one for vowels?”

“Euouae, an old music term… it’s technically a mnemonic but it’s been accepted as a word.”

“Copout.”

“Yeah.”

Logan laughs as he finally finishes it, both at their conversation and at himself. Remus and Dee look pleased that they’ve managed to get him interacting with them, if only just a little bit. He doesn’t need to fake being proud now, that was hard.

**Pathetic. **

**…**Fuck off, thoughts, I’m busy.

He looks at the chips, covered in salt and ketchup, with a renewed determination. They’d looked impossible before but now he’s certain he can finish the fuckers. Logan probably shouldn’t be so intense about a container of chips but oh well, he’s doing it. If Remus and Dee notice that he looks like his about to murder the remainder of his food, they don’t mention it. They just carry on talking and eventually Logan feels comfortable enough to join in.

“My favourite word is perturbation, it’s another word for anxiety and it sounds like masturbation, which makes me laugh.”

Remus’ reasoning makes Logan laugh a little bit too, it was just so utterly _Remus_, Logan couldn’t help it. Dee was trying to suppress a smile as she responded, “Mine is equivocation, a misleading or confusing statement based on the possibility of differing interpretations.”

Interesting… Dee was an interesting person.

Logan thinks for a minute, then states “My favourite word is liberosis, a noun, meaning the desire to care less about things.”

“Neat! I haven’t heard that one before!”

Neither had Dee, apparently, as she pulled a pocket-sized notebook from her pocket and jotted it down.

“Do you note down all the words you find interesting, or just that one?”

“Yes, I write any and all down, I’m a real logophile.”

This startles Remus into some pretty hearty laughter, the kind that shakes your whole body and brings tears to your eyes. He just didn’t know that suave, classy Dee wanted to molest Logan is all!

“Logophile means I love words, Remus!”

This did nothing to prevent Remus from laughing, no calm in sight. He didn’t even need to make the innuendo for the other two to make the connection to Logan’s name.

When he finally, FINALLY, quietens down, he adds, “Remy said theirs was ‘liminal’ this morning!” Ah, so that’s where this topic came from, “’Cause it means ‘on the edge of things or between things’ and it can be used to describe states of consciousness! … they a sleepy.”

“That does describe them rather well,” Dee pauses thoughtfully, “now that I think about it, all of our favourite words describe us pretty well.”

“You’re right! Hey, what word do you think describes my brother best?”

“Quixotic. Unrealistically optimistic or has a comically chivalrous approach to life.”

“WOOO, way to go Logan, fits him to a T and in record time!”

“What about Virgil?”

“Trepidation, a feeling of uncertain agitation. He does have some pretty vague general anxiety a lot.”

“This is true.” Logan hasn’t known Virgil anywhere near as long as Dee has, they’ve known each other since they were small children, after all, but he knows enough to know her choice of wording fits.

“How about Patton?”

… What could possibly describe Patton?

“Sunbeam. He’s literally a sunbeam.” Logan falls into complete agreement with Remus. Patton truly was sunshine personified… here he came now, right at the end of lunch once his session with his French tutor was over. He was wearing a bright yellow knitted jumper, decorated with white clouds and snowflakes, over his usual blue collared shirt. It was surprising to see him actually wearing it instead of just having the sleeves tied around his shoulders, he must’ve been really cold today.

“Hi, guys!” Patton says as he makes his way through the room and over to them.

Patton looked really cute in that jumper.

**You’re too ugly for him. **

Oh.

OH.

WAIT, SHIT- Did that mean what Logan thinks it means?

How the fuck was he going to deal with a crush?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The penny has dropped for Logan :)  
(Chips = Fries btw)


	10. Merry Christmas, You Sad Teens

Logan did not sleep on the night of Christmas Eve, nor did he sleep in the wee hours of Christmas Morning. Surprisingly, it WASN’T to do with his increasingly poor mental health.

It was because, well… he was playing World of Warcraft. It was a really good, really immersive game! … It kept his mind off other things. Like having to eat Christmas dinner in front of his aunt and uncle.

Okay, so maybe it was about his mental health, but this was with him actually coping with it in a healthy-ish way for once.

He leaves his room at 6am, the usual time he ‘wakes up’ and gets started on breakfast, he can’t avoid food as much as he’d like to, if Dot and Larry heard his stomach rumbling they’d be concerned. Logan needs to avoid that.

So, he eats in the morning, just enough so that the usual signs aren’t noticeable… he thinks Patton would be proud that he’s eating breakfast, although he doesn’t know that Logan doesn’t usually.

It’s another two hours before Dot and Larry are up, and they’re immediately excited for presents. Today, more so than previous years, Logan is excited too.

He gets the phone he asked for, it’s a nice one too, he didn’t expect them to go all out with this but considering how rare it is for him to actually ask them for something, he isn’t entirely surprised.

He smiles at the thought of getting to talk to his friends whenever he wants, though he isn’t distracted enough not to notice the relieved looks Dot and Larry give each other. Logan knows he’s difficult in these situations, he truly feels bad about it but he can’t help how he is. They’re doing good, though, and he loves them even if he can’t express it.

Logan realises then that he doesn’t smile at them often, or in general, he distantly wishes he could.

He spends the next few hours setting up his phone and having a look at setting up some social media accounts, since that’s pretty much what phones are for. His friends mention ‘Discord’ and ‘Instagram’ a lot, so Logan figures he should get them.

He downloads Facebook too, at Dot and Larry’s prompting. Logan thinks it’s just so they can tag him in the group photos they liked to take. Regardless, Logan realises that he could find his friends profiles pretty easily using Facebook as he didn’t have to know any made up usernames to search out the correct accounts.

He finds Patton, Roman and Remus easily and he sends them friend requests, although Virgil and Dee don’t seem to have accounts. That makes sense, neither of them are really the type.

Remus: | **Hey!!! You got the phone! Now I can pester you 24/7! **|

Remus: | **Take a look at my dog!** |

Cue photo of a dog wearing a Santa hat. Roman, Remus and a little girl Logan assumes to be Valentina are also in frame, wearing matching hats.

Logan: | **That is an amusing photograph, the matching hats are humorous. **|

Remus: | **Haha, you even type classy!** |

Remus sure does like exclamation points, huh?

Logan gets a message from Roman a few minutes later, likely prompted by Remus.

Roman: | **First of all, Merry Christmas, my favourite nerd. **|

Logan: | **Merry Christmas to you as well, Roman. **|

Roman: | **Secondly, YES!!! YOU’RE FINALLY ONLINE!!! |**

Logan: | **This is correct. **|

Roman: | **Does this mean you have a phone now? | **

Logan: | **This is also correct. | **

Roman: | **So!!! Give me your number, you dork!!! **|

The excessive exclamation points seem to run in the family. He gives Roman the number, sends it to Patton and Remus for good measure, then sends a picture of himself, Dot and Larry to Remus in return.

It takes a while for Patton to get back to him, it’s Christmas Day after all, and people are usually having dinner about this time.

The butterflies that emerge in his stomach at Patton’s text are… strange. He doesn’t know how to feel about them.

He just knows how he feels about Patton.

Patton: | **This better not be a tele_phoney _number. **|

Logan: | Excellent puns as usual, Patton. |

Logan has five numbers in his phone now. That feels good, makes him feel less isolated.

When Larry gets the food on the table, Logan goes straight for the pigs-in-blankets, the only part of the meal he’s actually excited for, he only has them once a year and he absolutely adores them. Logan does like the rest of the food he has, he does, he just wishes there was… less of it. Christmas dinner’s a big meal, y’know? At least it was mostly soft, easy-to-eat foods like mash, sprouts, potatoes etc.

All in all, it wasn’t as painful as Logan had expected it to be. He could perhaps say that he enjoyed it.

Much later, once everyone had fulfilled their familial obligations, Logan had been persuaded, aka heavily peer pressured, aka bullied, into entering multiple Discord servers owned by various different friends.

Unlike Facebook, Virgil did have a Discord account, and he had made a DM called Insomniacs Anonymous, which was, to quote Virgil, for him to be able to talk to people during the night without worrying Patton. Remus, Roman, Dee and Remy were in this server.

Roman invited him to a general server that included everyone, it was family themed and everyone had a role based off that.

Patton was Dad, naturally, Logan himself had been christened ‘Mom’ for some unholy reason, Virgil was Son, Roman was Son-In-Law and Remus was “Pet Rock”, Dee was Pibling Figure and Remy was Wine Aunt. Logan really hoped he met Remy soon, they seemed cool. Logan hoped Remy liked him.

Discord seemed like it was going to be a lot of fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took longer than I wanted to get out, but an awful cold and seasonal depression was kicking my ass.


	11. And a Happy New Year~

Logan gets invited to a party on New Years Eve.

Well, it’s more of a group sleepover, really. It’s being held at Roman’s house, with all Roman and Remus’ closest friends. This includes Logan, for both of the brothers, which makes him feel a little warm and gooey inside. Ugh, emotions.

… He’s actually kind of excited about it. He’ll get to see all his friends in one place for the first time ever and he hasn’t seen any of them in person since the winter break started. He misses them. There’s also the fact that Remy will be there and Logan will get to meet them for the first time!

**You’ll make a fool of yourself. **

He’ll be fine.

He’s also going to get to see Patton, the boy he has a rather unfortunate crush on that Logan refuses to consciously feel bad about, doesn’t stop his mind from digging at him, though. He’s worn himself out fighting against that train of thought, he’s cut so many words into his arms regarding it over the years and in the past few months in particular. It’s only now that he’s able to see healthy relationship models among his peers that he’s been able to begin challenging his way of thinking.

He is not broken.

**Disgusting. **

He is not wrong.

**Perverted. **

He is not bad.

**Vile. **

Being _gay_ isn’t bad.

**Faggot. **

… he will get there, eventually.

Logan is determined to win this fight. He doesn’t know if any of the others have struggled like this to accept themselves for their sexuality. He wished he could ask them about it. He knows the struggles Virgil has with himself for being trans, he lost a lot when he came out to his family, Logan thinks Virgil is fantastic just the way he is and that his mother is desperately missing out, he knows Patton and Roman agree.

… Logan doesn’t understand the disconnect between how he thinks of his own sexuality and how he unconditionally supports everyone else’s, it’s strange, but he thinks it’s common, if Virgil feels the same. If only he could work up the courage to talk to him about it.

**Freak. **

Breathe in,

Breathe out.

It’s okay that he can’t talk about it yet. He’s at a place where he can _admit to himself that he’s gay, _**Heinous**, and that’s a win. A serious win. He can take all the time in the world to focus on self-acceptance before he seeks acceptance from others… it’s easier thought than done.

In the meantime, he’ll just send Virgil insomnia memes at 3am because that’s worked for both of them so far.

Remus asks him to come over early, at around 12pm, because, and he quotes, “Between me and Roman, we get a little… unrealistic with what we want to do. We could use some logic over here to help us set up and you’re _perfect _for that.”

He’s perfect for that.

That’s a feeling he’d like to hold on to.

… Logan doesn’t use his needle that night, he doesn’t feel the need.

He gets up late the next day, but he reminds himself that 9:30 isn’t really _late_, he just has high expectations of himself. **Failure. **He tries hard to not feel like **trash** about it. He refuses to get his needle out. Not today.

… He takes the little box of needles with him when he leaves for Roman and Remus’ house regardless. Not having it makes him feel… he doesn’t know. He doesn’t understand it, he just has to have them with him.

“Logan!” He hears from somewhere above him as he gets to the door, “Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan!” The voice continues at various volumes and locations, seemingly because someone was moving away from the window, running down the stairs and flinging the front door over.

He’s sat on the floor of their house before he realises it, knocked over and hugged by Remus. Of course, it’s by Remus.

“Hi, Logan!”

Pushing his glasses back to the bridge of his nose from the elevated perch on his forehead, he replies “Hello, Remus, how are you?”

“GREAT!” Suddenly on his feet again, he drags Logan up and further inside, where Roman is stood in the living room, trying to do… something… with a bunch of coloured tissue paper.

Oh, boy, Logan’s going to have his work cut out for him.

“Alright, what’s the plan for tonight?”

Both of the brother’s paused, glanced at each other and then back at Logan: “Do we…” “… _Need_ a plan?”

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Logan pushes his fingers under his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“Yes.”

“Oh.” “Oh.”

“Well, SHIT-” “That can be remedied-” Both stop suddenly and look at each other with unmasked irritation, this must be a common issue they have.

“Yes,” it’s unclear which sentiment he was referring to, “first of all, what are you two trying to do with all that tissue paper?”

“Making a banner.” … “_Trying_ to make a banner.”

Now that he looks at… that, is does resemble a banner, however…

“It seems you have used too much glue on the backdrop, it’s soaked and will likely tear if you try to move it.”

“Shit.” “Shit.”

“And it will probably stick to the table if you let it dry.”

“Double shit.” “Double shit.”

Okay, now this was just creepy. They seem so different when they’re apart, it left Logan entirely unprepared to deal with how similarly they acted when together.

Roman is the one who acts, immediately going to clear up the mess, muttering about how much tissue paper had been wasted.

Remus looks back at Logan worriedly, Logan pretends not to notice.

“Want to help us replace it?”

Might as well, they had hours yet to work on it.

“Alright, first, we’ll need a more robust backdrop… and a better surface to work on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He’s doing okay rn!!!


	12. The Dawn of Realisation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus panics, naturally

Remus Ventris is freaking the absolute fuck out and he doesn’t know what to do.

Remus figures out that his new friend Logan has something really bad going on the first day they met. Logan is already clearly upset, which he didn’t pay too much mind, but he did notice that Logan was hungry. 

That Logan probably hadn’t eaten that day. 

That Logan was struggling to eat the food Remus made him get. Which was... concerning. 

He reminded Remus of Dee, who was now well into recovery, but mentally comparing Logan to his partner recovering from food-related-issues was decidedly not a good sign.

So, Remus’ new friend Logan has something bad going on, he might have anxiety, he might have depression, Remus isn’t sure, what he _is _sure about is that Logan has an eating disorder… or at the very least is in some serious danger of developing one. 

Shit. 

He tries his best to help Dee feel better about theirs, and now he can use the skills and knowledge he’s learnt from Dee to help Logan. He hopes. He knows the mortality rates for eating disorders and he’ll fuckin’ pray to every single deity known to mankind if it’ll keep them both on the safe side of that statistic… Remus gets attached very quickly, he always has. He loves deeply and fiercely, Logan is no exception. He wants Logan to be happy and safe.

However, this isn’t what has Remus freaking out. Worried like the worrywart he is? Yes. But freaking out? No. Even if it is a factor. 

What directly leads to Remus freaking the fuck out is as follows;

Remus knows Logan is socially anxious and it’s only when Logan says this is the first party he’s ever been to in response to the invite Roman sends to the full group Discord server that Remus realises they might have a problem. If Logan walks into a room full of people, even if he knows all of them, is he going to be okay?

He knows Virgil wasn’t the first time he’d been invited to a party.

Remus decides that he needs to do something pre-emptively to prevent anything from happening to that geeky bean. He tells Roman he wants to invite Logan over earlier to help stop them getting carried away, he readily agrees, it’s a plausible excuse. So he messages Logan on Discord.

VoreMeDaddy: | Hey!!! Could you come over around 12 pm tomorrow? |

Voice of Reason: | I’m not adverse, although I don’t know why you would want me to come over so early. |

VoreMeDaddy: | Between me and Roman, we get a little… unrealistic with what we want to do. We could use some logic over here to help us set up and you’re _perfect_ for that |

Voice of Reason: | I would be happy to help out, I’ll be there. |

VoreMeDaddy: | Thank you!!! |

Remus then proceeds to send Logan a bunch of pictures of his dog, because if Ambrosius can’t make Logan smile then he doesn’t know what can.

He spends the rest of the night worrying and biting his nails on and off until Roman climbs up onto his bunk and throws a pillow at his head after a stray thumb nail hits him in the face. Remus has no regrets.

The next day he’s restless from the moment he wakes, he drives his Mum and his stepdad insane before they head over to Valentina’s grandmother’s house for the rest of the week. Valentina gets it though, ‘cause she’s a little understanding sweetheart and he loves her so, so much, but that’s beside the point. Remus works himself up so much he rugby tackles Logan to the ground within moments of him arriving.

That’s when the thing happens.

The thing that freaks him out.

The thing that makes his eyes itch and his bones ache and his blood boil.

When Remus tackles him, a pack of needles falls out of Logan’s pocket.

He may have only seen them for a long moment before Logan quickly shoves them back in his pocket but Remus knows what dried blood on metal looks like.

Too well.

Far too well.

Sickeningly well.

And that was a pack of bloody sewing needles.

What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck

It takes up Remus’ entire internal monologue, he can’t think about anything else and it terrifies him. He might be a fan of gore, but Jesus Christ not like this. Never like this, _what the fuck what should he do. _

Should he… tell someone?

Who?

His brother?

Patton?

… Virgil.

He should tell Virgil.

For better or worse, he’ll know what to do and he won’t freak out about it either.

They all spend a while minimizing the glue-damage to the table and Roman set about making a knew one on the floor, Logan overseeing him, and Remus got put on ‘go get a whole bunch of snacks from the store’ duty, which he gladly takes. They expect him to be gone for a while, so he uses this opportunity to message Virgil on Discord, he’s almost always online because sleep is for the weak and neither of them will ever rest.

VoreMeDaddy: | VIRGIL |

VoreMeDaddy: | VIRGIL |

VoreMeDaddy: | VIRGIL | 

It takes 3 minutes too long for Virgil to reply and Remus starts feeling a little sick.

internallyScreaming: | what |

VoreMeDaddy: | WE MIGHT HAVE A CODE NUMB |

internallyScreaming: | shit |

internallyScreaming: | who |

VoreMeDaddy: | Logan |

internallyScreaming: | you sure? |

VoreMeDaddy: | Yes but also no |

internallyScreaming: | okay, what did you see? |

VoreMeDaddy: | He had a pack of sewing needles in his pocket |

VoreMeDaddy: | They were bloody |

internallyScreaming: | that’s… bad. too much for it to be accidental? |

VoreMeDaddy: | I think so |

internallyScreaming: | see any of the… y’know |

Remus did know, and he was thankful Virgil avoided using any descriptors out of curtesy for him, Remus had trouble with his brain imagining things without his permission and anything could set it off. He’s surprised he hasn’t been hit with a scenario about Logan after this morning.

VoreMeDaddy: | No |

VoreMeDaddy: | It’s not like I’d have any chance to see |

VoreMeDaddy: | … |

VoreMeDaddy: | I don’t think I could handle seeing it |

internallyScreaming: | i know, man, i’ll keep an eye on him |

VoreMeDaddy: | Thank you |

Remus is freaking a little less the fuck out, because Virgil knows what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be fooled, it's nowhere near over yet
> 
> (Virgil’s username isn’t homestuck what are you talking about)


	13. Enter Rest of Cast

Roman sat up suddenly and turned towards the downstairs hall, mid-banner making, certain he’d heard the door opening and closing. He probably shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was when he looked up again after a few minutes and saw that Virgil had parked himself next to Logan on the sofa, or that Remus himself was hanging off the back of it with only his legs visible from Roman’s place on the floor. 

Roman only has a moment for a love-struck smile though, as delighted as he is that the love of his life is in the same room as him, he’s got his creative juices flowing right now. There’s no stopping him. 

Roman’s on a roll. 

However, distracted as he might be as he focuses on getting the shape of the dragon’s wing just right, he still hears little snippets of conversation here and there, contributes every now and then too. 

“- eaten today?” 

“I could go for something to eat right now!”

“Hakdog.” Shock! Horror! Virgil said that while rolling his eyes! 

“… Hotdog?” 

It isn’t so much the question, but the innocent, confused way Logan asked it, that gets Remus laughing so hard that he falls off the sofa. 

“It’s a pinoy term, something to say sarcastically at someone who hasn’t heard what you’ve said.” 

“I really should have brought my vocab cards, I’ll need to make a new one.” 

Somehow Remus laughs louder than he already was. Roman checks out of the conversation at that point, too entranced with getting just the right shade of red using a specific number of tissue paper layers, so he doesn’t hear what exactly what Logan says next but the tone of his voice shouts _shame _in the back of Roman’s head. He’ll have to think of a reason to give Logan a hug later… he’s sure Virgil would think that was an ‘eternal mood’.

It’s a while later, just about when he reaches the tail of the great beast, that Roman thinks to look back at them. Virgil and Remus are both doing their best impression of a touch-starved sloth either side of Logan, while coaxing him to eat 3 oranges worth of orange slices.

His magnum opus couldn’t compare to this glorious sight, it was wonderful seeing his chaotic brother and his darling boyfriend working together with a common goal; treating their mutual friend like a small child. 

Why, it just about brought tears to his eyes. 

All three of them looked a little happier than he’d seen them recently, Remus had been tense and frowny for the past few days, Virgil hadn’t been doing to hot either, he was about 5 minutes away from calling Remus’ datemate’s to snuggle bomb their boyfriend like last time… before snuggle bombing Virgil himself. 

Eventually he ran out of banner to glue the tissue paper to, so unfortunately his creative flow did end up being cut short. He ended up flopping onto his back and quoting Shakespeare in his grief. Virgil had ended up detaching from Logan’s side, muttering something about him being stupid and dragged him to his feet. Apparently they needed to hang it up somewhere. 

“Ugh, effort.” 

“Hey, you’re the one that’s making us do it!” 

By the time they’re done, Remus is hanging off the back of the couch again and somehow he’s managed to convince Logan to join him. 

Looks like Remus’ special brand of crazy was contagious. 

Let’s pray Patton is immune, although the joining laughter suggests it may already be far, far too late for him. From Patton’s point of view, Logan torso was floating behind the sofa, hair the messiest he’d ever seen, Logan’s glasses had fallen clean off his face and landed on the floor and there was a pink tint to his cheeks from how much he’d been laughing

Patton would’ve swooned if that was an actual thing normal people, cough, not Roman, cough, did in real life. In all seriousness, Patton has firmly head over heals and he was very, very aware of it. Literally. He tripped and fell over due to how flustered he was.

“Hey, Logan.” 

“Hello, Patton.” 

“I’m Remus!!!” 

Simultaneously: “Hi, Remus.” 

Patton broke first and soon they were laughing like maniacs, while Virgil looked at them like they were entirely sane. 

“Welp, it’s 3 hours before everyone was supposed to be here and now there are only 2 people left to arrive…” Roman pinched the bridge of his nose… oh, no Logan’s rubbing off on him too, “Remus, want to call your partners over?”

“FUCK YEAH!” 

Virgil was on the opposite end of the room to Remus, yet he still felt the need to snap his fingers next to his ears to check he could still hear. Virgil liked to pretend he was low key, but he was just as extra as Roman, it’s why they were such a good pair. 

It’s when Logan flops off the back of the sofa and hits the floor like a rag doll, that Roman starts to freak the fuck out. 

Logan’s shirt rides up, and Roman can’t see clearly, but he knows what scratches look like. There are far too many on Logan’s stomach for it to be accidental. 

_‘Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit’_

Dee and Remy arrive, somehow both early and fashionably late, carrying a whole bunch of disposable coffee cups. 

“We brought starbies!” 

_ ‘Oh, nice.’ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaand we have an update! Woohoo!


End file.
